spoilers

when neville kills nagini

kumo

for some reason i really honestly thought that when i came back here to japan my problems would kind of fizzle away and all of a sudden i'd find that half of myself that constantly feels like it's missing. i'm realizing now that it's obviously not that simple, and i've ended up feeling more confused than ever. i'm grasping at straws trying to figure out a way to become happy again - or just functional really. i'm out of good ideas and the thought of going home, trying to find a place to live and a job and starting out a new school year at a school that feels entirely toxic to me is really really scary. my support system feels smaller than ever, and the upcoming school year seems as though it will be more stressful than the two preceding it. i'm trying to just function normally here, wake up, eat, go out, do something, come home, clean, draw, anything other than just collapse into bed, but a lot of mornings just getting out of bed still feels like climbing a mountain. i'm at a loss here, and i feel like i'm living in a cloud, but not in a good way.

(photo is of a beach near my house in ireland)

Dia duit

"Go n-ithe an cat thú is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat."
May the cat eat you, and may the cat be eaten by the devil.

recently i'm finding it more and more tiring to get through every day. i stay in a lot. that's why i've stopped uploading pictures. i'm trying to get better. i'm trying.

from my journal

july 4

how long have i been awake now? it feels like forever. i dont like sleeping alone, so i don't sleep.

july 5

i just dont want to be anywhere right now. i cant get myself to go outside...

july 7

i just saw a woman riding down the street in a power chair with a cat on her lap....

at some point things stopped feeling real

i feel like if i carry on like this maybe i'll disappear, like chihiro almost did in spirited way. one month and ten days, that should be enough time to be totally transparent, right? then what?

07012011

things i thought about today from my notebook where i write down things i would normally tweet or text to steven

being in direct sunlight for too long makes me want to vom blood and die

i don't need your pussy bitch i'm on my own dick

日本語忘れました

looking at the sea makes my heart hurt. ikea looms big and blue in the distance

love hotels aren't even a little subtle in their appearance, but it's cute how they list prices for "rest" (hourly) and "stay" (overnight)

i really wish i had more friends. i wish i knew how to make friends.

social cripple

this train smells like feet

i'm attempting to break into the rubber stamp market

wouldn't it be funny if i wasn't even on the right train...

tokyo outskirts

going to swim out to sea. ikea is having a sale an

d i just want cheap wine and ¥50 ice cream

sad white girl in turban eats by self and gets daytime drunk at ikea
it's whatever

hardly anyone in japan orders meatballs at ikea

alcoholic sparkling apple drink with cloudberry flavor. organic.

what is a cloud ber

ry

this chocolate mousse tastes like ireland. i want to die.

i haven't ever felt this alone before, and i have spent most of my life feeling alone

on the bright side, my ikea family card is still valid

this ice cream tastes like ireland. i want to die.

what's crushed is my spirit

saw guy with comme des garcons bag & vommed blood with jealousy

i want a ron weasley body pillow